Love Languages?

There's a reason you don't get a second chance to make a first impression, and here is a great example...It's times like these that makes me wish there was a remote control that works on people. To mute, or fast forward. Or better yet, just change the channel.

~ms m


I wished I was trashed. Fifteen minutes into the date I already wanted to end it. Why, oh why did I agree to an entire dinner date? Coffee would have been better. Grabbing a drink would have been even better. I can deal with most things inebriated. This dude was definitely two vodka sodas and a shot of Gran Ma worthy.

He was good looking at the beginning of the date. By the end, after he told me countless anecdotes where his attractiveness was the highlight of the story, I began to detest his face.

“I wake up every morning, look in the mirror and am always stunned how beautiful I am.” I swear this is a direct quote.

Not only was he beautiful, he was really smart and intellectual. Of course, this was what he told me over and over again. If you have to tell me how awesome you are and it is not blatantly apparent, you are probably a douche. Just when I thought his douche bag level was at its highest, he started to plan our relationship.

This was our first date and a week before Thanksgiving.

“Aren’t you going to invite me over to your parents’ house for Thanksgiving?” he demanded.

“Uh. What?” I almost choked on my bite of food.

“I think they should be introduced to their future son-in-law, don’t you?” he said with a smile.

If there was an “Abort Mission” button under the table, I would have hit it at that precise moment, stood up screaming, and run out the door. However, there was no such button, because I checked several times.

I laughed off his comment as best I could. “We just met.”

He proceeded to tell me that he thought our relationship would go swimmingly. Our schedules were a match made in heaven. He had a lot of time to devote to me. He couldn’t wait to take me around town as his new girlfriend.

In between his annoying anecdotes and his future plans of our marriage, he stopped talking suddenly and stared at me.

“What?” I said.

“Oh, nothing. I love to just look at you.”

The best part of the date was when he described to me love languages. Please grab some sort of receptacle you can vomit in because this part of the date is going to make you particularly nauseous. Love languages are apparently the different ways people show each other how they love one another. The different kinds of love languages, for example, are words, physical touch, or time. At least, this was what I think he said, but I was so revolted by the discussion that I may have not heard him correctly.

“I’m going to figure out what kind of love language you use, so that you will always know how much you mean to me.”

This was our first and last date.


~ Anonymous